The Difference Between Then & Now
by maroonballoon
Summary: "at the end of the day, you realize that there is no comparison."


**_The Difference Between Then & Now_**

 **Summary: "at the end of the day, you realize that there is no comparison." Sharon and Andy need to deal with the fallout of fear**

 _Disclaimer: Definitely not mine._

I'd love to be friends with you guys. Please feel free to send me a message. Plus I'm currently looking for a beta. I know that this is very AU, but I just had to write it. I would love to hear your thoughts.

* * *

You want the next time to be different from the one before.

You wish that you won't argue about the same things.

You hope that it won't end the same way.

 _You pray for it not to hurt._

Those are what we want, but we won't always get what we want.

Jack is not Andy.

Andy is nothing like Jack.

It would be different.

You constantly try to remind yourself that. You close your eyes, and take three deep breaths. You are trying to hold back the tears.

 _They are not the same. It will be different this time. You aren't going to get hurt._

Your heart is pounding. You are shaking. You are angry. Furious. You hate the situation. You hate how this started. You hate everything about this.

Suddenly, it hits you. It's hurts exactly the same as before.

It hurts.

The person, the reactions and the excuses are different, but the argument is still the same. Worse, you feel just as broken as you did all those years before.

You feel the tears forming on the corners of your eyes. You open your eyes to try and look at him, but you can't. You quickly turn your gaze at the now cold cup of coffee.

Suddenly, you forget to breathe. You feel trapped. Your heart drops.

It hurts too much.

You wanted this to be different.

But nothing has changed.

 _You are still you._

You reacted to the news exactly the same as you did the last time.

 _What the hell is the difference between then and now?_

"Sharon-" He tries to reach for your hand. You shift your seat. You hold up your hand; telling him that you don't want to talk about it. You want to get up and walk away, but you don't. Instead, you let out a sigh.

It's the same. You reacted the same.

Your first mistake, then and now, was over thinking. You are over analyzing the situation.

Again, what the hell is the difference between then and now?

"You can't do this Sha-" He has been eager to explain since you brought it up an hour ago.

"Stop talking." You blurt out.

His expression changed.

You realized.

 _He is hurt too._

You want to take it back, but you can't. You are over thinking.

"We need to talk about this." He insists. His tone is incredibly low.

"Andy." You pleaded. For the first time since you found out, you look at him straight in the eye.

Tears start falling down your cheeks, and you don't bother to stop it.

He wants to hold you. He wants make the pain go away.

He doesn't speak, but you can tell by the way he looks at you.

He is sorry.

You sit in silence for the next ten minutes. He was staring at you the whole time.

You chose to ignore it.

"I can't do this." You get up from your chair.

You start pacing. He doesn't move.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I wasn't thinking. I was just scared." He tries to explain.

You lean on the kitchen counter. His brown eyes are still glued to your moist green ones.

You open your mouth, but nothing came out.

When you were in Internal Affairs, he came in a handful of times. You were cold and professional towards him. You acted accordingly.

When you transferred to Major Crimes, you became his boss. You started trusting him. He had your back, so you had his. You were his colleague.

When he asked you out to dinners and family outings, you became his friend. You could talk about everything and nothing. You loved his company. You became his best friend.

That changed when you said 'fine.' You went on a date. An honest to God date. It was wonderful. Perfect even. The dinner was romantic. It felt natural. Neither of you were acting differently. You have feelings for him.

 _You love him._

 _You love **all of him.**_

That's why you are acting like this.

"Sharon say something." He begged.

He was frustrated.

He's loving, patient and wonderful, but he is still him.

He is the same hot headed impulsive lieutenant that you sent to sensitivity seminars.

"I love you." You whispered.

He heard it.

You froze.

The atmosphere felt heavy.

"I'm sorry." You quickly rushed to his side. "I didn't-It's too soon. I should've-. I am so sorry." You stuttered.

He stood up and caressed your cheek.

He's hurt.

You're hurt.

Neither of you say anything.

 _He loves you too._

 _That's why he's hurt._

Your right hand is on the nape of his neck; the left is stroking his silver hair.

His hands are on your waist.

Neither of you are breaking the eye contact.

You press your body closer to his.

Now, your bodies are far too close to each other.

He suddenly stiffens.

He's afraid to break you.

You ignore it.

You close your eyes and lean in. The centimeters separating you is now nonexistent.

The kiss was passionate. All your feelings were in that kiss.

You felt his tears coming down as the kiss deepened.

He was hurt.

 **You were held hostage for thirty-three hours.**

He was afraid to lose you.

 **You were shot. You had two heart attacks while in surgery.**

He might lose his badge because he loves you.

 **He attacked your captor.**

 **After the doctors assured him that you were okay, he bursted into the interrogation room and threw punches. It took Sanchez, Buzz and two other uniformed officers to get him to stop.**

He was hurt.

He almost lost you.

You slowly pull away from your kiss, but your bodies are still firmly close together.

In order for you to fix this, you need to talk about this.

You've put off this conversation for too long.

You said you'll talk to him right after you got out of the hospital. Provenza insisted sooner.

Now, you wish that you did do it when you found out.

You should have done it last week.

But then what would have been different?

Last week, you were angry and hurt. You are still angry and hurt, but a lot more rational.

Last week he was sorry, but he would've still done it. That hasn't changed, but he isn't as afraid anymore.

If you did it then, you would be talking irrationally. You both would be.

"You shouldn't have done that."

"I know." He quickly replied. He wiped your tears. "I was angry. We just started. It wasn't fair. I don't want to lose you." He was breaking down.

"Things like that happen Andy. You of all people should know that." You sound more hurt than angry.

"It's different you know." He pulls you in for a tight hug. "Being the one in the waiting room. It's different." He kisses your cheek. "I wouldn't take it back."

You breathe slower.

"I was afraid to loose you. I love you Sharon. I love you so much, and I wish that you getting shot wouldn't be the reason why first said those three meaningful words." You intertwined your fingers with his. "When I saw you covered in blood, I thought that you were going to die. That was my breaking point. I thought that I was going to lose you before I got to tell you how much I love you." He was sobbing on your shoulder now.

 _He did it for you._

"I hate that this is an issue." You start sobbing again. "I was afraid too."

He starts rubbing your back.

"The first time I was shot, Jack left."

He looked at you with with curiosity in his gaze.

"The first time he left wasn't because of his drinking or his gambling vices. He was afraid. It was too much for him. It suddenly got so real. It hurt so much to watch him leave." You started you crumble. You bent your knees and crouched down. He kissed you temple and carried you to your couch.

You cried for a while. He didn't leave. He just held you.

"Meredith was pregnant the first time I got shot." He whispered.

You look at him. Once again your eyes are speaking for itself.

"Meredith was pregnant with Nicole. As I was lying on the cold concrete, all I could think about was my wife and my kid. I didn't want to die because that meant they would lose a husband and a father. Meredith begged me to quit. She hated me when I didn't. I love being a cop. I couldn't stop, so she started resenting me. I drank. She kicked me out, and the rest is history."

"You know that could lose your career because of what happened."

He shook his head.

"When we told Taylor about us, we promised him that our personal life wouldn't interfere with our jobs. Andy you can lose your job."

"Who the hell cares." He yells. "You matter a lot more."

You caress his cheek.

You are head over heels in love with this man.

"You matter a lot more to me." He repeats.

You shake your head.

"You love you job. You said it yourself. You love being a cop. You didn't stop then, so you shouldn't stop now." You argue.

"Back then, I prioritized my job over my family, and look where that got me. I won't make the same mistake." He kisses you again. You kiss back, but he doesn't deepen it.

He pulls back. You quickly miss his lips.

"I'm quitting tomorrow."

Your jaw drops.

"I have finally had enough. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I don't want my children or you to worry about me every time I was catching a suspect. I'm finally done."

You are lost for words. You don't know how to react.

"Do not for one second think that I am quitting because of you. I'm not. I am doing this for me. It's for my piece of mind. I have thought long and hard about this. Life is too short, and let's face it. I'm not young anymore. I have more years behind me than in front of me. I'm good. I want to see my grandkids grow up. I want to be there for Nicole when she has her baby. I want to see my son finally get his act together and settle down. I want to see Rusty graduate. I want to be able to watch Emily dance. I want Ricky to get a decent haircut. _I want to be there for my family and yours. We are in this together_ "

You smile.

He included you, Rusty, Emily and Ricky to his plans.

You kiss his left cheek and trace his jaw with your fingertips.

A weight has been lifted from your shoulders. You'd miss working with him, but you can't help but feel relieved. You don't have to be afraid anymore whenever you send him to the field.

"I love you so much." You cup his cheeks and kiss him.

"I love you too sweetheart."

"I will miss working with you lieutenant." A tear falls from your eye.

He wipes it. "I will miss you too captain."

You hope that it won't end the same way.

You pray for it not to hurt.

Those are what we want, but we won't always get what we want.

Jack is not Andy.

Andy is nothing like Jack.

Andy didn't leave.

He fought.

He quit. Yes.

But he chose you.

He wants to be there for you.

Jack is not Andy.

Andy is not Jack.

 _ **At the end of the day, you realize that there is no comparison.**_


End file.
